for the life of you

I can’t let this year end and not say it. It’s been a hell of a year.
Is this going to be a depressing post? I hope not. Hear me out.

It started with… death.
Death of a friend’s father.
Then a 2nd friend’s father.
Then a 3rd friend’s father.
Then a tragic loss of a another friend’s family.
Then one of my long-time friends after a long illness.
Then another friend’s father.
Then another.

Why do I bring this up? Because when I think of this past year, it has been defined by these losses. You know how at the end of every year you see those celebrity lists of famous people who have passed on? I saw one of those today and it annoyed me. None of our real-life friends and families are on those TV lists. And it’s ok to be mad about it. It’s ok to grieve our loss. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be ticked at the world for not stopping to take notice.
When I first experienced great loss, I hated the world & I hated God. I was SO SO SO MAD at Him. I thought He didn’t care. I thought He was a liar. I thought He was deaf & dumb. I didn’t think I could ever trust Him or love Him ever again.
I was young and it messed with me for a long time. I hated God & lost interest in life.
I had so many questions. And so, so many regrets. I thought: If only I had spent more time with them. I never told them. If I could just have 5 minutes more. Did I tell them that I loved them? Did I hug them enough? What was the last thing I said to them? Did they know I loved them? I’m forgetting the sound of their voice!!! NO! God! Please don’t let me forget their voice!

Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy…

It took a long, long time for me to heal. A long time for me to come back to God and recognize & feel His love. It’s one thing to lose someone to old age… it’s another to lose a loved one by tragedy or illness unexpectedly. It hurts more. It takes longer to heal & the scar is much worse. When you have a deep cut, the nerves get damaged. You lose feeling for a long time… sometimes years… and that's what it’s like when you experience great loss. But slowly, your feeling starts to come back & those nerves begin to heal. And the scars fade… with time. Not that you stop missing your loved ones… even when the healing comes, you still miss them. That never changes.
Do you have physical scars that hurt sometimes? I know I do. When I see a lot of blood or see someone else get injured… my scar starts to ache. Seeing all my friends go through their losses this year… has been like that. Experiencing losses of my own this year, has made that old scar hurt again. Those questions replay in my mind & heart. It’s hard to understand & hard to move on.
The love of friends helped bring me out of my depression & grief all those many years ago. You have to allow yourself to be around people and be loved… and love again.
It is through love that we are repaired & heal.
I realize now that God was using others to heal my broken heart and reach out to me. Give it a try… and let Him bear your chains. It was for life that God sacrificed His only Son. It was for life and love. It was for your life and your love. I know, it’s hard to believe right now. It may take years, but I assure you, He’ll prove Himself to you again. Your wailing will be turned into dancing.

Isaiah 26:19
But your dead will live;
their bodies will rise.
You who dwell in the dust,
wake up and shout for joy.
Your dew is like the dew of the morning;
the earth will give birth to her dead.

We will see our loved ones again. We will be reunited. No more lonely holidays, no more tears of sadness… we will shout for joy and rejoice in the everlasting life of the Lord Jesus together. We will shout & jump & DANCE.

So what am I praying for 2010?? I’m praying for this next year to be a year of LIFE. I pray that for each of you reading this. I pray your wounds begin to heal. Let me know if you have anything you want me to specifically be praying for you about… otherwise I pray you have a Merry Christmas & feel God’s love surrounding you.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for coming to this earth to bear my chains & walk to Calvary for the life of me. For the eternal life of us all.

Bring on 2010. Let’s do it.

It's a Wonderful Life

I'm thinking of watching "It's a Wonderful Life" today. Yeah, I know, Christmas in July. But that's ok- I love that it's a story about life & what it's really all about.
If you haven’t figured it out yet— life is about relationships and how you treat others.

Your relationship with the grocery clerk.
Do you smile at them & ask how they are doing?

Your relationship with the video store girl.
Do you take time out & stop to hear her latest story?

Your relationship with your waiter.
Do you treat him with the respect and tip well?

Your relationship with you family.
Do you call them just to say “I love you”?

Your relationship with your co-workers.
Do you strive to do your best work and get along even when you don’t feel like it? Even if they treat you awful?

Your relationship with friends.
Are you someone they can count on and trust?

Your relationship with God.
Do you take time out to talk to Him & then stop to let Him talk back to you? Do you listen?

Notice that I didn’t list these in any particular order. I did that on purpose. I hope that you are treating the waiter just the same as you would your friends.
But I have to say- I would hope that your relationship with God doesn’t rank last on your list.

Luke 6:27-49 would be a good excerpt for you to read today. If you don’t have time, let me list a handful of the verses for you:
30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.
For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

43 No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.
44 Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers.
45 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

the Rubik's Cube Lesson

Yes, it's been awhile. Things have been busy. I haven't been very good at keeping up the blog lately. Right now I'm working the 10 hour shift days at work in the month of January... so if you think of me... say a little prayer as I'm not especially looking forward to this month.
And in other news, I'm turning 30 this month. Hmm. 30. Weird. When I was a kid, I had lots of ideas of what my life would like at 30.

Anyway, I had a weird moment tonight. Tara Lynn (my roomie) went to bed early because she wasn't feeling well and I thought I might read a book and go to bed early too. But instead, I picked up a Rubik's cube. I guess I wasn't ready to sleep. After unsuccessfully working on it... I decided to look for tips online. I visited several sites... but none of them were very helpful. I was getting ready to put it down and call it a night when I saw another site. So I go to this site where it tells you to enter in the configuration of your cube... and it calculates the moves you need to make to solve the Rubik's cube. Ha. I thought I'd give it a whirl and see if it actually worked. So I fill in the blanks and the hit "solve". Ok... so then it tells me that I have 108 moves I need to make. 108 moves. Awesome. So I carefully begin to follow the step-by-step moves. Keep in mind, I've had a long day... and I'm kinda in this half-awake mode.
I get to about Step 26 and I'm thinking : what the heck am i doing? I hate Rubik's cubes. I should be going to bed and sleeping. No. I want to see if this works.

Step 35: I think this might be working. Cool. Only 73 more steps to go.
Step 50: Why am I doing this? 108 freakin steps? What's wrong with me? I'm wasting time.
Step 52: Did I mess up? Did I make one of the moves wrong? This just looks like a freakin jumbled mess.
Step 54: This website is probably just somebody's idea of a joke and they get bored idiots like me to fall for it... sitting here... carefully counting step by step. This is ridiculous.
Step 55: Over half-way there. But what if I messed up? Keep going. Pay attention.
Step 65: I just want to see this cube with solid colors on all sides for once.
Step 66: I'm not built for puzzles like this... I can't do this thing on my own.
Step 76: Hey, I think it's working!
Step 80: 3 sides look almost complete... but the rest still looks like a freakin mess.
Step 81: Is this what You do God? How many steps are there in my life? When all I can see is a bunch of different colors... and confusion... are You really solving the puzzle? Is this really working?
Step 87: All I have to do is follow Your steps?
Step 88: If I screw up on one now... then that will mess it all up. Pay attention. I don't want to start over.
Step 98: Still looks like a mess... I don't think it's working.
Step 103: Nope. Definitely not working.
Step 106: Wait... it might be...
Step 107: Maybe...
Step 108: Holy crap. It worked. Dang. That was ridiculous.
Step 109: Hmm, pretty sure God just taught me something through a freakin Rubik's cube.

So, God used a Rubik's cube to teach me a life lesson tonight. I'm not the type of person to put a spiritual context on everything... but I did learn something tonight. I'm 20 days away from my 30th birthday and my life is not what I expected it to be at this stage in the game. There's lots of different colors all over... on all sides... and I'm not real sure what goes where or how or when. I'm not made for figuring out puzzles like this on my own. I'm not sure how my hopes and dreams and passions and desires and abilities and talents and colors work together. I don't know how to make them come together and solve this puzzle called life... specifically the job side of life. But He does. And all He asks of me is to follow each step... one... by... one. It wouldn't work any other way. He has to get you to one place in life before He can move you up to another.
One thing I noticed as I was working on this thing: you had to get the piece or color that you wanted on the top.... you had to get it on the very bottom first. And then twist and turn and then... there it is... on the top. We have to be willing to be moved around... even when it doesn't look right or make sense to our heads.... as long as we hear God's voice directing us... that's what's important. It's through His steps that He will make sense of our lives. And if we mess up... He knows how to fix things. He knows how to solve the puzzle and make everything come together. Not only the things in my life and your life... but everything in everyone's life... and everything in the entire heaven and earth. I wonder how many steps that is? Probably a lot more than 108. I'm so glad we don't have to figure any of it out... we just have to follow His instructions.

Ephesians 1:9-11 (New Living Translation)
God has now revealed to us His mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill His own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time He will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for He chose us in advance, and He makes everything work out according to His plan.

So, Happy New Year to you.

And Happy Birthday to me.